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Category: AlternateUniverse, Humor
Season: any Season
Pairing: no info given
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Summary: SG1 speculates about other universes.

Commissary: Cheyenne Mountain:

It was a fine morning deep in the heart of Cheyenne Mountain. Colonel Jack O'Neill, leader of SG1, the flagship team of the SGC, headed towards the base commissary. Reaching his destination, he paused in the doorway.

At a nearby table, he saw two of his favorite colleagues. Jack took a moment to contemplate the unlikely pair. First, Sam Carter; tall, strong, a expert in martial arts, top graduate of that year's class at the Academy and skilled fighter pilot. They had gotten off to a rocky start at first, but once Jack had seen Sam's competence in the field, his doubts disappeared.

Next to Carter sat Dr. Jackson; brilliant linguist, anthropologist and expert in Egyptology, currently employed as a civilian consultant. Danny's hair was shorter than when they had first met, the geeky glasses had long ago been replaced by contacts, and years of working out had given Danny a more muscular physique, but in the important respects, his colleague was essentially unchanged.

Catching sight of Jack, Danny motioned for the Colonel to join them. After filling a tray with coffee, eggs, pancakes, sausage, bacon, waffles, blue Jello and the inevitable bowl of fruit loops, Jack took a seat at their table.

"Greetings, O'Neill," a familiar voice intoned from somewhere behind him.

Jack turned to face the new arrival. "T, how are ya?" he said, smiling up at his friend. Once again, Jack was thankful that they had encountered this particular Jaffa on Chulak. Without T's strength and courage, they probably wouldn't have survived.

"I am well, O'Neill," the Jaffa responded, taking the seat next to Jack. "MajorCarter and I have been practicing the art of `nak'sha'tel'. I believe you would refer to this method of combat as `judo'."

"Peachy," Jack said. "Keep up the good work."

Turning his attention to Dr. Jackson, Jack noticed a journal in Danny's hand, "So, whatcha got there?" Jack asked.

"Jack, I've been reading this fascinating article. According to the author, reality is constantly splitting off into a infinite number of parallel universes," Danny said.

"Parallel universes?" Jack asked. "You mean like that Star Trek episode where Spock had a beard?"

"Something like that," Danny responded, feeling an unexpected gratitude towards Gene Roddenberry.

"Infinite number? So what kind of numbers are we looking at, dozens, hundreds, a couple of thousand, maybe?" Jack asked, deliberately acting dumb in order to play `aggravate the archaeologist'.

Danny sighed. Jack was obviously in one of `those moods' today.

"It means a great number, O'Neill. More than the Tauri mind can envision," the Jaffa said. Unsure if he had just been insulted, Jack chose to let that remark pass.

"There could be millions of you, sir," Sam said. "Think about it."

Picturing an infinite number of Colonel O'Neills; handsome, suave and debonair to a man, Jack smirked. Yes, he could live with that. "I could live with that."

"Not so fast, sir. There's no guarantee those O'Neills would have joined the Air Force. You could be a wino wandering around Colorado Springs, a greeter at Wal-mart, or the host of a cable fishing show. Some of your counterparts might even be old hippies," Sam with a malicious smile, fully aware of the Colonel's opinion of what he called the `granola set'.

"Wha," Jack spluttered. "Carter, no. Don't say it. Don't even think it," he said, the idea of a ponytailed Jack O'Neill causing him to shudder.

"Yes, Jack, anything could be different. What if you hadn't joined the Air Force, what if I hadn't gone public with my theories and gotten kicked out of academia, what if Sam had decided to stay with NASA, what if Apophis hadn't visited Abydos? What if your parallel universe parents hadn't had sex at the same moment your parents did? They still might have had a baby, but he wouldn't have turned out to be exactly like you," Danny said.

"Oh yeah, I saw that on an episode of `Red Dwarf'," Jack said. "The one with the two Listers."

"Exactly. The egg would have been the same, but the sperm would have been different. You could have been taller, shorter, smarter, stupider, blonder, darker," Danny said.

"That's right, sir," Sam said. "There are any number of potential variations. The odds against us being exactly the same in another universe are astronomical. Anything could be different. You could be working with a civilian Sam Carter in another universe."

"Or even a female one. For all we know there could be a Major `Samantha' Carter on their version of SG1," Danny said, sparking a wave of laughter among his audience.

After the merriment subsided, Jack said "Danny, I don't mean to insult you, but come on, a female Sam Carter on SG1? That's the nuttiest thing I've ever heard. What would a woman be doing on a combat unit?"

"It could happen. Maybe in a parallel universe women are allowed on military teams," Danny insisted, provoking a fresh burst of mirth.

Finally, Sam was able to stop laughing. "Danny, I know quantum theory postulates an infinite number of parallel universes, but come on. Samantha Carter, fighting machine, roaming the universe with a P90 and a makeup case? Sorry, I don't see it."

"Nor do I, MajorCarter," the Jaffa intoned. "Indeed, it is unimaginable that a warrior of your manliness could conceivably have a womanly counterpart."

Unable to resist the temptation to yank his CO's chain, Sam said, "What if Danny's right, sir, and I AM a woman in some of those parallel universes. We could be in love, even married."

Hearing that, Jack spewed a mouthful of coffee toward the next table, narrowly missing the visiting Pentagon liaison, Major Paula Davis.

"That's right, you and me, two lovebirds. Colonel and Mrs. Jack O'Neill. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think." Sam gazed lovingly at Jack and sighed. Jack choked. The Jaffa, observing that Jack was rapidly turning blue, gave Jack a `helpful' pat on the back that made Jack's spleen rattle.

"Stop it, Carter, you're killing me." Jack managed to get the words out, ignoring the ferocious glare Danny shot his way. "Any more of that and we'll be in violation of the anti-frat regs," he said, before chugging down the rest of his coffee.

"Sorry, sir. Try not to picture me in white lace," Sam said, causing Jack to crack up again. "And don't even think about the honeymoon."

This time Major Davis failed to escape getting drenched. Rising, she gave Jack a blistering look and stomped off to change her uniform.

Jack glanced over at his significant other. Oops, he hadn't seen Danny so pissed off since the time he had used that irreplaceable alien artifact as a hockey puck. Groaning inwardly, Jack realized that he would have to do some major damage control if he didn't want to sleep on the sofa tonight. Frantically wracking his brain for the name of Danny's favorite brand of chocolate, he came up empty.

Deciding to give groveling a shot, Jack said, "Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, truly I didn't. It's just that your whole parallel universe theory is craziest thing I ever heard. For crying out loud, the only thing more ridiculous than `Samantha' Carter would be you and Teal'cina as men."

Failure. Danielle gave Jack a look that assured him that he'd be spending the next several nights on the sofa.

Meanwhile several nearby marines, led by Colonel Makepeace, began chanting "Sam and Jack sitting in a tree . . . ".

The End.




 
   
 

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